My Dream Kidz Bop Album (Hear Me Out!)

For those of you lucky enough to be unaware,  there’s an American group called Kidz Bop who have released 34 albums since 2001. Also known as ‘Now That’s What I Call Shitty Covers of Popular Songs With Out of Tune Children on Vocals’, each of these albums contains CBBC-style renditions of well-known hits so terrible I actually get a sick pleasure out of listening to them. Here’s two to get you started:

That version of In The End… *shudder*. Anyway, with those in mind, I’ve decided to create what would be my ideal Kidz Bop album. Some of these would be hilarious – whilst others are purely sadistic – and in true Kidz Bop style I’m going to keep the album a pretty diverse mix of genres. So without further ado…

Track 1) Wait and Bleed – Slipknot

Slipknot are a band with 9 energetic members and enormous choruses. Kidz Bop are a band with even more members and even more choruses. What happens when these titans collide? A perfect album opener and lead single. 

Track 2) Hot Dog – Limp Bizkit

Kidz Bop remove any cursing, sex or drug references in their songs, often rendering a verse or chorus unrecognisable. This rap-rock monstrosity by Bizkit features the word ‘Fuck’ 48 times and has a bridge where Freddy D demands you kiss his “chocolate starfish”. Let’s see what you can do, mighty Kidz Bop censors. 

Track 3) Pumped Up Kicks – Foster the People

Some of my favourite Kidz Bop songs are the ones where people that age so blatantly shouldn’t be covering the song (see any of their Ke$ha covers). I can’t think of anything more inappropriate than Foster the People’s smash hit about a kid shooting up a school, sung partially from first person perspective. Bonus points for the fact this song melodically sounds totally like something Kidz Bop would cover and most people don’t know what the subject matter is, so they may even be able to get away with it.

Track 4) Worldwide Choppers – Tech N9ne

Every good album has variety, so this track will be Kidz Bop’s chance to show they can spit with the best. Better still, a different Kidz Bop member could take on each of the 9 hyper-speed verses resulting in a garbled, beautiful mess. 

Track 5) Karate – Babymetal

The most logical choice for this album. Kidz Bop are the bestselling band of all time composed of children. Babymetal are seeking to take that crown. Let’s see Kidz Bop give a real push to their spiritual successors with this frantic J-pop metal masterpiece.

Track 6) Sugar – System of a Down

Armenian folk vocals. Spoken word rap. Death growls. Goofy accented background vocals. Disjointed guitars. There’s no way this should’ve worked for System of a Down, and yet this song totally rocks. Might as well see what a group of pre-teens can bring to the mix (hint: nothing). 

Track 7) Swagger Jagger – Cher Lloyd

Kidz Bop make every song they touch worse. This song is the worst song of all time. I’m really just curious to see how low it can get. Watch the music video at your own risk. 

Track 8) Never Let Go of the Microscope – Enter Shikari

The way music is going so far in 2017 it seems no album is complete without its obligatory political anthem. If two lines were ever written to be sung by a group of primary-schoolers they would be “like Socrates I only graze on the slopes of the summit of my own ignorance // like Hippocrates I can affirm that the method of science is an appliance that emancipates us from dogma”, and if they could pull off the lame white boy rap flow as well then this song could be a staple of Kidz Bop’s live shows for years to come.

Track 9) First of the Year (Equinox) – Skrillex

A rare chance for the members of Kidz Bop to show off their beatboxing skills as this entire song will be a Capella. Best part? You can sing along too, thanks to this site inexplicably having lyrics to the dubstep breakdowns: (Seriously, open that link and try and sing along. Fucking hilarious).

Track 10) Wuthering Heights – Kate Bush

Some say Kidz Bop sound their best when deploying their powerful falsetto. Well actually no one says that, but it should be a right laugh to hear them take a crack at the best song of 1978. Try and stop yourself singing when that chorus hits. 

Track 11) Exit Music (For a Film) – Radiohead

Originally written for Romeo and Juliet and one of the most haunting songs ever made, the instrumentation of Exit Music is rather minimalistic as the song is carried by Thom Yorke’s ethereal singing. With that in mind, the Kidz Bop version will feature gang vocals all the way through whilst dead seriously trying to maintain the emotional clout present in the original. Good luck lads.

Track 12) New Noise – Refused

To close the album. Just imagine it. One of the most iconic punk riffs ever opens the track, building for the next minute. Just when you think the song is about to explode it suddenly switches to a menacing electronic warble. The anticipation is nearly killing you, when finally 40 kids in unison shout “CAN I SCREAM?” Over the next 4 minutes, a true classic will be destroyed in front of your very ears. “Good frames won’t save bad paintings”, they’ll chant. No they won’t, and great songs won’t save Kidz Bop. 


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