It was God himself who invented the strategy of torture by music – by turning the amplifier up to 11 on the enemy. “Joshua’s army used horns to strike fear into the hearts of the people of Jericho,” a retired US Air Force Lt-Col told us. “His men might not have been able to break down literal walls with their trumpets, but the noise eroded the enemy’s courage. Maybe those psychological walls were what really crumbled.”
Music is used at Guantanamo Bay to break the resolve of detainees. The likes of Metallica, Eminem, and Rage Against the Machine have had their songs played at an excruciating volume to disorientate prisoners and force them into giving up information.
What better way to decide the most intolerable song of all time? The song that makes the most prisoners at Guantanamo Bay break down will be the winner (loser). Let’s remind ourselves of the candidates:
- ‘Dance With Me’ by Reginald Bosanquet (1980) – GROUP A WINNER
- ‘Don’t Worry, Be Happy’ by Bobby McFerrin (1988) – GROUP B WINNER
- ‘Life’ by Des’ree (1998) – GROUP C WINNER
- ‘Swagger Jagger’ by Cher Lloyd (2011) – GROUP D JOINT WINNER
- ‘Chinese Food’ by Alison Gold (2013) – GROUP D JOINT WINNER
Our trip to Guantanamo was funded by our generous sponsor Remington Grill!
We were kindly given a tour by Secretary of Homeland Security Chad Wolf. Yes, that really is his name. Secretary Wolf told me the government is considering changing the name of Guantanamo to either Geronimo Bay or Guantanamo Bae for P.R. reasons. I suggested Michael Bay. While we were on the subject of rebranding I asked why he hadn’t yet changed his name from Chad Wolf to something less silly. He took serious offense to this remark and decided to teach me a lesson. I was arrested by guards and detained in a cell for five days.
On the bright side, I thought this would be a good chance to crown one of our five nominees as the worst song. I still wanted to test the songs on detainees as planned, even though I would be one of them. Unfortunately, instead of going through with the experiment, the guards used the loudspeakers to fill my cell with the sounds of goats being violated with electric prods and slaughtered. This was played on repeat for the entirety of my incarceration.
Food is another method of torture at Guantanamo. Inmates are fed exclusively by a North Carolina burger and BBQ joint. By god, it was the most revolting slop I ever had the misfortune of ingesting. I didn’t catch the name of the supplier but if I find out… I vow to traverse land and sea to burn down every cursed building from the culpable establishment!
Only on the fourth day did I manage a brief period of sleep.
Once again I dreamt of climbing the Venezuelan mountain Pico Bolívar. This time when I reached the summit I saw a vision of a man with twelve arms. I think I understand now. President Bolívar thought Robert McVitie was next in line but he was wrong. McVitie isn’t one of the Twelve Knights. I am.
When my lawyer managed to get me released I asked to be escorted by someone other than the blatantly unhinged Chad Wolf. Thankfully, Secretary of Defense Mark Esper was happy to oblige.
“You blasted the sounds of goat rape into my cell. Is this an effective sound to use against prisoners?”
Mark Esper seemed puzzled. “Goat Rape? Is that some kind of Swedish black metal band.”
I tried to explain to him that I was speaking literally, but he only threw his head back and laughed. “That wasn’t goat rape! We played ‘Swagger Jagger’ on repeat. It was one of the songs on your list after all. Secretary Wolf originally planned to have you detained for twenty-five days and he was going to play the songs for five days each as per your request.”
I had confused Cher Lloyd’s music with the tortuous sounds of animal molestation. I have no choice but to declare ‘Swagger Jagger’ the worst of songs.
In her song ‘Life’, Des’ree did say that she is “the worst in the world” – and this used to be true. But then in 2011, Cher Lloyd burst onto the scene to steal her shameful crown. Des’ree will “take you up on a dare any time anywhere”. Maybe someone dared her to write one of the worst songs in human history.
We have reached the end of this series. Laser Falcon Music Blog officially deems ‘Swagger Jagger’ the worst song on Wikipedia’s ‘List of music considered the worst’ page. Not the most valuable of insights. Probably could have worked that out on your own. It only takes ten seconds of listening to realise that it’s an obnoxious and bad song.
Epilogue
As we stand at the finish line, I would like to reflect upon the journey we have taken. You could easily argue that this World Cup of Shit Songs™ has been a colossal waste of time. What did we really achieve other than listening to a load of songs we knew would be bad? Why not spend more time writing about new albums that are actually good?
“5000 words on this shit”, you might say, “and you achieved absolutely nothing.”
You. Are. Wrong.
For starters, we have been blocked by McVities on every social media platform. They also emailed asking for us not to mention them again in any capacity. We made twitter friends along the way like Remington Grill and @thenewsbydes. But most importantly, I have reached enlightenment.
Scrolling through the youtube comments on some of these “”bad”” songs, I see so many people expressing their unadulterated love for music. They don’t live in the self-conscious bubble of a hyper-online music snob. They don’t care if some dickhead made a Wikipedia page to slander the songs they like. As the tournament progressed I found myself enjoying more songs than I actively disliked.
In the youtube comments of the Group B song “What’s Up?” by 4 Non Blondes, user: randywmel writes “I can only think of my boy he is with you god bless his soul he is space man”. NME, you don’t represent these people! Your time is done. Tom Service from The Guardian, you motherfucker, how dare you try to sully the good name of “Sussudio” by Phil Collins?
Laser Falcon has become one with the people. Laser Falcon is the piss in the swimming pool of music journalism. You don’t see us or smell us, but we’re there. Soon enough, the yellow tide will turn and you will hear the deafening screech of the Falcon as it soars overhead. I have foreseen it is my destiny to shed my human body and take its glorious winged and feathered form. My scorching laser beams will annihilate the decrepit journalistic landscape and create a space for something new to bloom. When the Falcon’s work on Earth is done, I will fly to a new solar system and spread bountiful harvests across many heliospheres. On my journey, I will visit my French cousin, the Titanium Space Whale. As the Falcon passes Saturn, I will see the soul of randywmel’s son. He’s chillin’ on the moon of Enceladus, listening to “What’s Up?” on his headphones, having a blast.
He waves. And he is space man.
Eventually, Laser Falcon will arrive at GN-z11, where it will land, knackered, on one of the twelve outstretched arms of God: its one and only falconer. Laser Falcon will be the eleventh to arrive, following Sigmund Freud, Pythagoras, William Shakespeare, Rosa Parks, Philip K. Dick, Amy Adams, Simón Bolívar, Raja Raja Chola I, Rivers Cuomo, and Steve Harrington from Stranger Things. There we will wait in contented silence. When the Twelfth Knight finally arrives, the clock of human triumph will be complete. God will spin his twelve arms and Earth will reset, beginning again at Level 1. God’s giant purple palms will be empty once more. Who can say how long it will take for humanity version 2 to reactivate the God clock?
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Laser Falcon will be the eleventh hand on the clock. We don’t know who the twelfth will be yet. IT COULD BE YOU!
See you there?
Laser Falcon 